If I Only Knew Page 2

  The drive from Dovetail isn’t long, but I take my time, wanting to savor the small slice of quiet before I’m bombarded again. Between Parker’s karate, Ava’s dance classes, and having no help, I’m already ready for bed.

  When I pull into the drive of the house I spent the last thirteen years in, I sigh. Small things are starting to become noticeable. The lattice on the front of the porch is falling to the side a little. Peter would’ve fixed that already. The gutters need to be cleaned after being filled with twigs and leaves from the last storm we had. And the yard has more brown patches than ever before. I never remember to water the stupid lawn. That was Peter’s thing. No matter how busy he was at the firm, he loved to have the winning green grass on the street.

  The timer is set on the bomb.

  I can feel it counting down with each step I take.

  Three.

  Two.

  One.

  Please don’t detonate.

  “Hi guys,” I say as I open the door.

  “Mommy!” Parker yells as he runs towards me.

  I catch him in my arms and kiss the top of his head. “Hi, my little Spiderman,” I try to put him down, but he clings to me. “Oh, you’re getting heavy.”

  “I’m growing up.”

  “You sure are.”

  Parker’s blue eyes meet mine, and I thank God for giving me him. Peter and I were done after Ava. I wanted to go back to work, he had recently made partner, and our lives were good. I made my appointment to see the doctor to have a procedure to ensure no more babies, and low and behold, I was already pregnant.

  After a lot of tears, anger, and accusations, we finally accepted it. It was the best gift we never wanted.

  “I got an A on my test,” Parker beams, handing me the paper.

  “Wow! Good job, dude.”

  Parker’s pride is oozing off him. I love that he works as hard as he does.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “Where’s Ava?” I ask, noticing her absence from the living room.

  “She’s out back. She told me to stay here.”

  I look to the ceiling, knowing no matter what I find, it won’t be good. “Finish your homework and I’ll be right back.”

  He nods.

  Making my way through the house, I hear her voice on the patio. When I get out there, the cigarette smoke punches me in the face. “My mom is such a bitch. She’s so stupid and I’ll sneak out tonight once she goes to sleep,” Ava laughs into the phone.

  We’ll see who’s stupid. I grab the phone from her ear, putting it to mine. “Ava can’t meet you tonight because her stupid mother caught her, but don’t worry. In a month when she’s ungrounded…” I level her with a glare. “She’ll tell you all about the bitch her mother is then.”

  “Mom!” she screams.

  I grab the cigarette from her hand, dropping it to the ground. “Don’t talk, Ava. Don’t even say a goddamn word to me. Your phone is gone. You will go to school, dance, and home. That’s it.”

  “I hate you!”

  “Good, then I’m doing my job.”

  “I wish you were shot instead of Daddy!”

  And the bomb goes boom.

  Chapter Two

  Danielle

  “She was fucking smoking!” I pace around as Nicole tries to calm me.

  “So what? We did far worse than that, remember?”

  I glare at her. “That was different!”

  I’m not sure why I’m here. Nicole is the absolute worst person to try to get sympathy from for these kinds of things. She was that asshole friend who got me grounded more times than I can count. The bitch who convinced us that we needed to do whatever moronic idea she came up with because she needed accomplices in all her shenanigans. And me, Heather, and Kristin were the dipshits who followed the really bad leader.

  It suddenly hits me. I gave birth to a Nicole.

  I’m so fucked.

  “How? You were the one who got caught smoking outside the church parking lot ten minutes before confession,” she reminds me.

  “Because you made me!”

  She bursts out laughing. “Yeah, but you didn’t have to smoke it.”

  “I need new friends.”

  Nicole shrugs and then gets up from her desk. “Listen, she’s been through a lot. Losing your dad blows when you’re her age.”

  My head falls back and I groan. “I know, but she’s drinking, smoking, telling me she hates me, and God only knows if she’s having sex.” Dread fills me. I didn’t even think about that and now I imagine starring on 16 and Pregnant. Wouldn’t that be the icing on my life-is-shit-cake.

  “Oh, she’s totally getting laid,” Nicole smirks.

  “Fuck.” I drop my head in my hands.

  “Stop,” she laughs. “I’m kidding . . . maybe. But look, either way, she’s a smart girl. I’ll have a talk with her if you want.”

  I lift my head, eyes narrowed because Nicole isn’t going to talk her out of it, she’ll encourage the crap. “No.”

  “I’m not going to make it worse,” she defends. “I’m all responsible and shit now. Just let me talk to my hellchild niece and fix her ass. I’ll scare her.”

  It can’t get any worse, right? “What made you finally snap out of it?”

  She sighs and leans against her large mahogany desk. “I don’t know. I think it was you, Kristin, and Heather. Or maybe your parents? It was like I didn’t want to disappoint them. Disappointing my mother, on the other hand, was the single joy I had in my life.”

  I smile, remembering. There were times I thought she was nuts, but most of the time, it was hilarious to see Esther lose her mind. Nicole pushed every button that woman had, and it’s clear Ava is the same.

  “Well, Ava is definitely on that same path. And I understand she’s angry that her father was murdered, I am too, but I don’t deserve to be her punching bag. I’m doing the best I can.”

  Nicole places her hand on my arm. “You’re doing great. This is just teenagers being assholes. She’s pissed at the world. She loved Peter and he was angry with her the day he was shot. Imagine that heavy burden she’s carrying, Danni.”

  “He loved her. She knows that.”

  “Does she? She can’t ask him. I’m sure a part of her gets it, but she’s pissed off and you’re the only person she has left that is pretty much required to love her disrespectful ass.”

  “Am I though?” I joke.

  No amount of attitude would dull the love I feel for my daughter. I just wish she didn’t make it so difficult to like her.

  Nicole shrugs. “My moral compass broke a long time ago, I wouldn’t go by me. If my kid ends up being anything like me, I’m selling him to the highest bidder.”

  She’s full of shit. For all the crap she pulls, her heart is ten times too big. She loves the people around her more than any of us deserve. I showed up at her office and she cancelled a client because I was unable to get a grip. That client might have been her husband, but still.

  “Well, I have one teenager free of charge,” I offer, only partially kidding.

  “Yours is defective. If you want someone to take the goods, you need to sell the product better.”

  “Idiot.”

  “Whatever.” Nicole tilts her head. “But I’ll talk to her today. Maybe take her out for dinner, slap her around a bit since no one can call child services on me, and bring her back with a shiny new attitude.”

  If only it worked that way.

  “I appreciate you trying,” I say and then look out the window.

  Nothing any of us said to Nicole ever changed her ways, so I don’t think she’ll be able to get Ava to stop her crap either. Then again, no one has ever really been able to resist Nicole, so maybe there’s hope after all.

  “Look, I can’t promise anything, but I understand where Ava is at right now.”

  My eyes meet hers. “Angry?”

  She nods. “When my dad left, I was pissed! I hated him, my mom, the girl who took him from my mom. The fact
that he couldn’t care less about me made it easy to act like a total jackass. Ava lost her father too, and isn’t coping.”

  I’ve tried everything to get her to open up and Nicole knows that. I’ve taken her to counseling and spent time with her one on one. My parents have even tried, and she refuses to give an inch.

  At the counselor, she literally sat there refusing to speak. I was the winner of a two-hundred-dollar therapy bill and zero words spoken.

  “I’m just at a loss. I feel like I lost both of them the day Peter was murdered.”

  Nicole takes my hand, “I’ll talk to her.”

  I squeeze. “Thank you.”

  “You know, Heather might be a good one too. Her parents were killed as well, and maybe she can shed some light on breaking through to Ava.”

  I nod. “It’s been hard for Heather,” I say. “She’s endured so much loss. I hate to ask her to even touch any of mine.”

  “You’re an idiot.”

  “Hey!” I protest.

  “For real. You think Heather gives a shit? She wants to be there for you, Danni. You’ve pushed everyone to this outer fringe of friendship the last eighteen months. Kristin barely speaks to you, Heather calls and you don’t answer, the only reason you talk to me is because I don’t give a shit about boundaries. You tried with me, but I won’t let you. I’m not nice like them and won’t give you space. I know you’re only using it as a big fat excuse to run away and hide.”

  I get to my feet, ready to fight. “Fuck you!”

  “No thanks, I’m a married woman.”

  All of the anger I had drains as she stands there with a smile, and I burst out laughing. “God, I hate you sometimes.”

  “I’m not trying to hurt you. You know that right?”

  I look at my friend and nod. “I know.”

  Nicole walks closer. “I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. I lost Callum for a week and I thought I was going to crumble. To know that I would never see him again, would destroy me. So, I won’t stand here like an asshole and tell you how to live, but I ask you this, are you living?”

  I don’t have the answer to that. I wake up, I function, I survive, but I’m angry. I’m angry at the piece of shit who stole away my husband. I’m livid that we don’t have answers because the justice system that Peter was a part of continues to fail me. I feel a deep rage at the fact that we’re the ones who suffer because of it all.

  I lost my husband.

  My children lost their father.

  Our entire lives were altered because of someone else.

  Someone who still hasn’t been brought to justice for his crime.

  If this is living, then no, I’m not.

  “I’m doing the best I can,” I say.

  “Callum said he offered you his brother’s old position?” she asks, changing the subject.

  Nicole watches me and I stare at her. I know that she’ll tell me I should take it. That Parker is old enough now to have his mother return to the workforce in full, and she’s right. It’s not because of him or Ava, but because I don’t know if I’m emotionally stable enough to do the job.

  After another beat, Nicole’s lip turns into a slow smirk and her eyes roll.

  “Don’t look at me like that,” I warn her.

  “Like what?”

  “That.”

  She shrugs. “I’m taking it that you’ve formed some crappy excuse as to why you’re going to turn it down then?”

  Nicole knows I once had aspirations. I was building an empire while Ava was in diapers. I was selling a lot of homes, getting contacts everywhere, and preparing to launch my own real estate agency once she was in school. Instead, Peter begged me to slow down because he was on the verge of becoming partner. His caseload was growing, and that meant less time at home. It would’ve worked out, but Ava became very ill as a baby, and she was in and out of the hospital. Which meant someone had to care for her. In other words, me.

  Now I have to take care of Ava, Parker, and myself, without the benefit of a career. “I actually haven’t.”

  “Haven’t what?”

  “Decided to turn it down,” I inform her as I lean against the desk beside her.

  Nic smiles. “Really?”

  “I figure I suck at everything else in my life, might as well have one thing I can kick ass in. Plus, Ava will be starting college soon, if she’s not knocked up or in jail,” I sigh. “The life insurance money is going to need to go to that or a car. It makes sense for me to take a better position.”

  Her head moves up and down slowly. “I’m impressed. I bet a month’s worth of blow jobs you wouldn’t take it.”

  “You really didn’t have to tell me that.”

  “It’s fine, I’ll take my punishment like a champ—in the ass.”

  “Seriously don’t need to hear this.”

  Nicole laughs. “Callum likes it when—”

  “Stop!” I smack her arm. “He’s my boss and I seriously don’t need the imagery of you and him in my head when I have to convince him to do something in a meeting.”

  “Well, I’m happy for you.” She nudges me.

  “Thanks.” We sit here for a minute and reflect on how different our lives are. She’s married, has a kid, and it’s as though we’ve swapped places. I was married, with kids, happy, and now I’m single and trying to find my place in this world. “All right. I’m going to the office now to tell your husband.”

  She kisses my cheek and gets up. “Go kick some ass and I’ll kick your daughter’s tonight.”

  Here’s to hoping she kicks it in the right direction.

  “I accept the position.”

  “Brilliant.” Callum smiles. “I thought you might.”

  “I would like to discuss the ability to work from home one day a week if I have to. If Parker gets sick or . . .”

  Callum lifts his hand. “I know where you’re going with this, and my lovely wife would make my life quite difficult if I made yours miserable. I do expect you in the office more often than our current arrangement, though. That part I can’t negotiate, but I do understand that your situation is unique.”

  “Of course,” I agree. “I know this new position means a greater workload. I’m willing and ready to carry that.”

  “Wonderful.”

  The financial increase will make my life a hundred times easier. We’ve done fine for the last year, but money goes fast when you’re spending and bringing very little in. Now, I’ll have a steady stream, which will allow me to replenish some of the savings I dipped into.

  “All right then, you’ll need to hire an assistant to handle the measly tasks that I don’t need you working on anymore, and you’ll have full authority to replace anyone you don’t feel is a good fit for your division.”

  And just like that, I feel different.

  I’m not small time. I’m not building from the ground up. I’m owning this damn mountain, and I plan to make it rise from the earth.

  “I’ll get right on it. Thank you, Callum.”

  He stands, extending his hand. “Nonsense. You’re the right person for the job.”

  I shake his hand and get to work.

  The team doesn’t need to be shaken up at this time, but the fact that I can if I need to speaks volumes. What sucks is that I’m not replacing someone who has been working in the office for months. Flip side, I have no shoes to fill. I can make this position exactly what I want it to be.

  A few hours pass. I’ve talked to our human resources manager, reviewed a dozen applications for assistants, and gave her back my top choices. Overall, I’m doing okay . . . until I check my email.

  Holy shit.

  What the hell?

  In four hours I received over two hundred emails.

  I start going through it all when my phone rings.

  “Hello?”

  “Good afternoon, is this Mrs. Bergen?” the sugary sweet voice asks.

  “This is she.”

  “This is Mrs. Crenshaw from
Ava’s high school. We were calling because she wasn’t in her seventh period, but she wasn’t marked absent for the day.”

  I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. “That would mean she ditched.”

  This girl is going to military school at this rate.

  Mrs. Crenshaw sighs. “I was afraid that was the case. I know she’s been struggling a bit this year, but she’s going to have to have disciplinary consequences.”

  “Good,” I say, hoping she cares a little about that. Although, I don’t think she cares about anything at this rate. “Just don’t suspend her. Give her a month of Saturday detention or extra homework, but giving her time off school seems a little counterproductive, don’t you think?”

  I never understood that. If you cut class, and then they suspend you, then the student wins. I’m all about making her suffer at this point. She’s already lost her phone and going out privileges. There’s not much more I can take away, other than my sanity.

  “I’ll tell the vice principal your concerns.”

  “Thank you. I plan to deal with her at home as well.”

  “Good luck,” she chuckles softly.

  God knows I need it.

  Chapter Three

  Danielle

  “You don’t care about me anyway!” Ava screams as I take the television out of her room.

  “Nope. I sure don’t,” I agree as I keep walking.

  She skipped school, she gets nothing. It’s bare necessities for this kid. I tried the civil route. I asked her why, what was going on, if I could help, but she told me to go to hell. So, she’s going to find out what hell is like and spend some time there herself.

  “I hate you!”

  I turn, and nod. “Then I’m doing my job. You’re going to learn that life sucks, Ava. Rules, disappointment, and tragedy is a part of what we deal with daily. It’s not a free pass to act like this. If you’re pissed off because someone killed your father—you should be. You can feel it all, but in a healthy way. Skipping school, drinking, smoking, and whatever else you’re doing, aren’t the right choices. Make better ones and you can have the privileges back.”