If I Only Knew Read online

  “I’m not judging you. I’m just saying that talking about your feelings goes a long way.”

  I appreciate where she’s going with this. I really do, but talking about my hot British assistant doesn’t check any mourning boxes in my world. It’s inviting problems where I definitely don’t need them.

  My husband could be an asshole, but he was a good man. He loved me and the kids, provided for us, and while we almost ended our marriage, it wasn’t like Peter was abusive. He didn’t cheat. He loved his job and didn’t know how to balance it with life.

  I place my hand over hers. “I know in your ever-romantic heart you’re somehow trying to push me to think about a man again, but I’m not there yet.”

  “I’m just saying open your heart a little.”

  “Like you did with Noah?” I remind her.

  Kristin fought that off for a long time. She had walls that were forged in steel, Noah had the fortitude to keep pushing until he broke through.

  “And who was it that told me I should let myself feel again? Who said I deserved to be happy even if I wasn’t even divorced yet?” she asks.

  “It’s different.”

  Kristin gives a small smile. “Yes, it is, and yet it’s not. I’ll stop now,” she promises. “But promise me that you won’t close yourself off to anything. Not Milo, because from the stories we’ve heard, he’s a freaking idiot, but. . . don’t say never to another man.”

  I’m not closed off, I just have no desire to feel for a man right now. I have this anger that sits inside of me, wanting to know why, though I may never know the answer.

  Of all my friends, Kristin understands more than the others. She saw me when I was on the ground, unable to stand. She heard me scream, cry, throw things, and then gathered me in her arms and held me.

  I wasn’t a good mother those days. I know this, and I’ve pushed myself to atone for it. Hell, I still am.

  “I need to focus on Ava and Parker,” I remind her. “I wasn’t exactly mother of the year after Peter’s death.”

  “Stop it. You were doing everything you could to survive.”

  “I wasn’t there for them when they needed me.” I think about how I should’ve done more, but I couldn’t see past my grief. I let my mother and friends be there as I wallowed in my pain. The guilt still eats at me.

  “Mommy!” Parker runs over. I turn my head and wipe the tear that was falling. “Aubrey told me we were getting married! Is that true?”

  Kristin and I burst out laughing. “You’re way too young to get married,” I tell him.

  Aubrey comes over with her hands on her hips. “Parker, we have to get married!”

  “I don’t want to,” he tells her.

  “Aubrey,” Kristin slips into her motherly voice. “You need to stop this. You’ve told four boys this week the same thing.”

  Aubrey shakes her head. “Because Margaret,” she sneers. “Took the other boys, so I’m taking the ones that are left.”

  “You only get one, honey,” I tell her. “You can’t collect them.”

  “Oh.” Her face falls. “Then I want Noah.”

  Kristin has her hands full with that one.

  We both giggle a little and I sit back, ready to watch Kristin explain. As funny as it is, at least the girl didn’t pick her father. Scott is the last man I’d hope Aubrey would try to find in her life.

  Kristin looks to me for help, but I raise my hands. “Why don’t we have lunch?” she changes gear. “Chicken nuggets and ice cream?”

  “Yay!” Both kids yell and I laugh. Leave it to Kristin to feed the kids chicken nuggets and ice cream at eleven in the morning to avoid a conversation with her daughter.

  “Well, that’s one way to handle it,” I smile as the kids run inside.

  “You have no idea what else I would’ve offered if it got her off the subject,” she says.

  We spend the next hour getting the kids settled, and then Nicole and Heather arrive. Colin was down for his morning nap and Heather worked the night shift, so they couldn’t come for our impromptu barbeque.

  Normally, we’d have our traditional one in a few months where I hosted it and all the families were here for hours. It was Peter’s favorite thing to do.

  Last year there was no way I could do it. My heart wasn’t there, but my best friends came over anyway.

  This year, I still refused and they decided we’d make it for us women on a different month and start a new tradition. So, this is our first cookout without husbands. It’s a time where we can drink, enjoy each other, and catch up. Even though we all live in Tampa, since they’re all either married or in serious relationships, we don’t see each other like we did before.

  Heather and Eli travel so much between his career and the music tour. They’re also still in that newlywed type stage where they can’t get enough of each other. Kristin and Noah aren’t married, but live together in the house they bought, and he’s bouncing between Hollywood and Tampa, so when he’s here, Kristin doesn’t exist. Nicole . . . forget it, she’s a new mother and wife who’s still running her business empire. It’s a shock any of us see her.

  “Where’s the booze?” Nicole calls out from the backyard.

  “I’ll grab the sangria!” Heather replies.

  Ava has little kid duty. Since she’s grounded, this is part of her punishment. She sits in the yard with her ridiculously large sunglasses on as the kids run around her. I hope she hates every moment of this.

  “I’m so glad Colin is off the tit,” Nicole blurts out.

  “That’s a conversation starter I never thought I’d hear,” Heather says before tipping her glass back.

  “What? I can drink again, eat what I want and not worry about him having gas or shitting because broccoli is also a laxative to babies. I’m just saying it’s nice to have my boobs be for play again and not food.”

  My friends are fucking wackos.

  “Are they super sensitive?” Kristin encourages.

  “Yes!” Nicole smiles. “Like, orgasm from barely touching them. Callum is totally enjoying it.”

  “Another image of my boss I wish I never had,” I grumble.

  There are no boundaries with the four of us, and never were. I’m the baby of the bunch and they taught me everything I needed to know about puberty. Nicole has always been a nutjob and never had a problem telling—or showing—all her new bits.

  “Oh, please, he rode me so hard last night that I saw stars.” She waggles her brows. “Like, hot, sweaty, dirty fucking that left my legs like jelly.”

  “I’m so happy for you,” I toss back.

  Nicole leans back, takes a drink, and continues on as though I didn’t say a word. “I think Callum was working extra hard since he was so pissed that Milo is back. He kept walking around the apartment going on and on about his arsehole brother. I hear he’s actually your new assistant?”

  “Yeah, I swear, my relationships sometimes feel like I’m a psychological experiment you’re all studying to see how long someone has before they snap.”

  She laughs. “Don’t worry, Danni, we have a pool going that it’s by the end of the week.”

  “That he quits?”

  Nicole smirks. “Or you kill him.”

  Wonderful.

  “God forbid you be helpful and tell me what you know about him so I can actually do my job and not suck.” I raise my brow.

  “I don’t know much,” she admits. “Callum bitches about him and how hard he had it in comparison to Milo. Callum was always bouncing between the states and London, never really enjoying his childhood thanks to his parent’s custody agreement. Milo was a pampered, spoiled rich kid. I’ve met him once before now, and I like him, but . . . what do I know?”

  “Nothing,” Heather answers and laughs. “Sorry, it was too easy.”

  “Bitch.”

  I roll my eyes as they start to bicker. This is who we are and always will be. We’re the friends that can call each other names, tell it like it is, and still love one an
other. I never have to worry that they’ll think less of me because it’s impossible. There comes a point in time when my best friends became my family. My sister Amy wasn’t here every other day to check on me, they were.

  They set up a schedule, cooked, cleaned, and made sure my kids were fed.

  My mother came a few times, but it was Heather, Kristin, and Nicole who kept my life from completely crumbling.

  Kristin slaps them both. “Do I need to separate you two?”

  “No, Mom.” Heather pretends to look ashamed.

  “Well, Monday will be the test,” I muse. I hoped that this would be a new start to my new life. With a promotion, new ideas, and a chance to establish myself as a businesswoman, I finally had a goal. Now, I’m not so sure.

  Nicole scoffs. “Please, you’ll do fine.”

  The other two nod their heads in agreement. “Seriously, you raised toddlers. There’s no way Milo can be worse.”

  I look at my daughter who was a dream as a child. Now, not so much. “Yeah, it can always be worse. They become teenagers.”

  Chapter Seven

  Danielle

  “Can you contact the surveyor and see if he’s done yet?” I ask Milo.

  “Of course, Mrs. Bergen. Anything else you need at the moment?” his voice is a tiny bit higher as he tries to sound helpful.

  “That’s all,” I say without looking up.

  It’s been three days.

  Three days and he’s no closer to quitting than the day he started.

  The worst part is I can’t even complain. He’s doing everything I ask, with a smile, and actually has been helpful. Since he literally did my job, he knows things I don’t. At one point he caught something I overlooked, and instead of being a dick like I would’ve expected, he pointed it out.

  He’s up to something. I can feel it in my bones. He’s building a false trust and I’m not buying it.

  I lean back in my chair and look out the window. “What game are you playing?” I ask aloud.

  He and Callum aren’t speaking. They barely acknowledge each other, and the tension is thick. Yet when Callum sees me, he’s all smiles. Clearly there’s no love lost between those two.

  No matter what’s going on between the brothers, Milo hasn’t wasted any time making friends in the office. He’s flirtatious, smart mouthed, and egotistical. Yet I can’t seem to get Staci to stay at her desk for more than thirty minutes without coming to “check” on him. She said it’s her job to make sure everyone feels comfortable in the office.

  I have a feeling I’ll be interviewing for a new receptionist once he leaves.

  My email dings and I spin back around, needing to focus on what I can control—my job.

  The email, though, is from Nicole with the subject line: Favor?

  This can’t be good.

  I open it up and sure enough, I was right.

  * * *

  D-

  * * *

  I need you to make sure Callum isn’t late tonight. My mother is keeping Colin overnight and I plan to have some really kinky sex. You know, think sex swing, lube, and props. Maybe a good spanking, too.

  Hope that made you uncomfortable.

  * * *

  Love,

  N

  * * *

  For her birthday, I’m buying her three visits to a therapist.

  Milo knocks a moment later and then enters. I try to cover the blush that must be on my face because I can feel the heat. Nicole is always good for making me feel mortified.

  “You all right?” he asks.

  Yup. Just trying to shove the mental image of Nicole and Callum out of my head.

  “I’m fine. What’s up?”

  He shifts his weight. “You received another call.”

  “Yes?”

  “A Richard Schilling called, wanted to let you know that,” Milo looks at the paper. “The trial will begin tomorrow.” His brow raises.

  “I hoped this wouldn’t happen,” I mutter aloud.

  I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to sit in that courtroom, but I don’t think I can stay away either. A part of me needs to hear it all, be involved so I have some answers. I remember Peter telling me that a trial is like a show, to believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

  This is going to be the ultimate shitshow.

  “Have you gotten yourself in a bit of a jam?” Milo asks leaning against the doorjamb.

  “What?” I jerk my head back.

  “I just love a bit of a bad girl.” He winks. “You were hoping it wouldn’t happen so it must be something good—or bad. Especially since you have to go to trial. Tsk tsk.”

  I tilt my head. “I bet you do,” I taunt him back. “I’m a really bad girl. I’m worried I might actually end up completely broken by the end of this.”

  Milo moves closer as though I’m giving him some juicy gossip. He sits, puts his head on his chin. “Do tell,” he smirks.

  I lean in, playing it up since he has no clue what I’m about to hit him with. I drop my voice real low and keep my face void of emotion. “Do you promise not to judge me?”

  “Sweetheart, I would never.”

  I let his term of endearment go this time. “A few months ago, something happened.”

  “Yes?”

  “It was . . .” I look away as though I’m embarrassed.

  From the corner of my eye, I catch the grin that spreads across his face. Dumbass thinks he’s got me where he wants me. “Does my brother know?” I nod. “Then it can’t be that bad or he would’ve terminated your employment.”

  This is the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I turn my head back to him. “He couldn’t fire me for this. It wouldn’t be good for Callum if he did.”

  His eyes go wide. “Does it involve my brother? Did he break the law as well?”

  “No,” I whisper.

  “You’re stalling. It must be downright scandalous. Did they use the cuffs on you?”

  “I wasn’t involved like that . . .”

  Milo scoots forward. “Then out with it, what naughty thing have you done, Danielle?”

  I let out a heavy sigh and look to the ceiling. “You have it all wrong,” I tell him.

  “Let Milo know your dirty little secret,” he urges.

  What a tool.

  “Fine,” I sigh. “It’s a trial for the man who killed my husband sixteen months ago.”

  Milo’s face falls and I watch the emotions roll through his deep green eyes. “Excuse me?”

  I lean back in my chair and continue to swirl the pen, needing some sort of anchor. “Get back to work, Milo.”

  “No, you said your husband was killed?”

  “Yes, now get back to work.”

  “When?” he asks.

  “A while ago, out!” I point to the door.

  “You were toying with me?” he asks with a mix of awe and indignation.

  “I sure was, and you were eating it up. I swear, I’m not going to ask you again,” I warn.

  He gets to his feet but doesn’t leave. I have the worst assistant in the world. “You made me think it was you who were on trial!”

  I wish it was me because my husband would be alive.

  Loss isn’t something I truly understood before his death. I thought the people who were sad for years after a tragedy should get on with their life and heal by moving on. I judged those who would say the things I now felt because I couldn’t grasp the amount of pain they were in. To want to die because you lost someone was once insane to me, but when I was in that sea of despair, I got it. I felt the hurt in my bones and I would’ve given anything to make it stop.

  “No one said that. You assumed it and I was playing along.”

  Milo shakes his head with a grin. “Bravo. You were quite believable. You said the trial is for a man who killed your husband?”

  No such luck on him overlooking that bit of news. “Yes,” I say, feeling the dread of the million questions that will follow.

  “I’m s
orry,” Milo says. “My father was killed. Did you know that?”

  “No,” I say softly. Callum may be part of our little crazy family, but I don’t know much about him. He and Nicole were a whirlwind. We met him, spent very little time with him, mostly because she kept him a secret, and then they were married. It was crazy, but when it comes to Nicole, we expect it.

  Even working at Dovetail for over a year now, I still don’t know him. I know what he’s like as a businessman, and I respect him. But personally, I have no clue about his family or past.

  Milo’s face morphs to anger. “I was sixteen and he was in a car accident where the other driver was absolutely pissed. That cow walked away without a scratch and I lost my father.”

  Now it’s my turn to apologize. “I’m sorry, Milo.”

  He shakes his head. “It’s life. We don’t get to decide, do we? We make the best of it.”

  “I guess you’re right.”

  “Of course I am,” he laughs. “I’m wrong, but so very right.”

  And back to the Milo I expect.

  I roll my eyes. “Go back to work. I think there’s some filing to be done.”

  Instead of huffing, like I would do if I was a senior executive at this company before and someone told me to file, he snaps tall and gives me a salute. “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “You know.” I place my hand on the desk. “You don’t have to continue working here. I can’t imagine you’re happy.”

  “And let my brother win?”

  “Is that what this is about?”

  Milo moves toward the door and stops. “Callum has won everything. Since we were just tots, he always won. He got to come to America for holiday each year. He attended the best schools, was loved by my father as his own, and was Mum’s favorite, even if I always tried to convince myself I was. Nothing I did was good enough because Callum always did it better, and did everything he could to show everyone my insignificance. His arrogance disgusts me, and he believes I’m weak. He’s wrong. No one should underestimate my strength.”